We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
