blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
