It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize