apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
