I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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