Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
