I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
