First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
be right there i have to get my cape
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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