I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
