two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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