he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Are my feet made of real feet?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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