I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
