Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
