I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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