Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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