I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
