we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
