you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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