mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
