i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize