My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
