Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
