oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
