Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
