my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
