I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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