I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
