Pass out mid-funnel last night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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