I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
