The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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