she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
