we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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