I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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