Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
