Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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