Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
