At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize