Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You took a bar mat shot.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
