You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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