I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My liver just had a heart attack.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
