If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
