who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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