the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
