I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
