If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
