the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
