so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
