would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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