You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
