Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
