i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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