You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
