Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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