I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
