Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize