someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Randomize
