I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
