Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
