I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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