it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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