Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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