I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Success! We fucked roommates!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
