Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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