My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize