Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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