She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
that may or may not have been my penis.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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