So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
