I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
