the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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