He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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