Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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