Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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