Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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